Well, life has been moving on…we’ve carrying on – each of us in the community a little changed by the loss of one of the little one. We’re adjusting to walking with a bit of loss in every step. Making allowances for the terrible grief the mother and father are carrying. Doing things a little different.
For the first time I really understand that saying:
"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness....No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."
It’s not a man but a child that has died, and I am diminished. All who knew this sweet child is diminished.
And yet out of this terrible, terrible event good has come. A community has been brought closer together. Friends have grown closer. A true showing of a generous humanity has come through.
In our own home, a new appreciation for each day with our children has grown. When a little bum attached to a little set of legs hauls itself into my bed at 3:30am I snuggle his body in a little closer, breathe in the smell of his hair and neck and thank God he’s healthy and for one more day with him.
I don’t know what this year will look like now….a few weeks ago, I thought I knew exactly what would go down in 2012 but now I’m less certain. Seems a lot can change over the course of a few days.
While I’m mulling over the sadness in my life, good things are also happening and I don’t want to neglect those good things or discount them because in a lot ways life for me is as it ever was.
M is showing himself to be anything and everything I could have ever dreamed about in a son. He is proud and independent yet cuddly and so loving. He sees a freckle on my arm and gives me a number of loud smacking kisses and then asks concernedly “OK Mommy? OK?” I assure him, it is much better although maybe a few more kisses would be even better….
He loves my lullabies. Every night I sing the same three songs – first I start with my own version of “Go to Sleep”…when that’s done he says “More song, Mommy, More Song. Star, Star!” and so I sing “Twinkle Twinkle”. After that it’s “JesuslovesmethisIknow”, Mommy. And I start singing and he sings along and my heart is full.
My girl is growing up so fast, too. I bought her some new shoes over the weekend – Cindy Lou Who Converse high tops. (They were $15 marked down from $49 – how’s that for a good deal!?!) In a size 2. They seem HUGE. How is it possible that these shoes can fit her feet?
And she’s tying her shoes the ‘grown up way’ not with the two bunny ears now. Just another step closer to being so grown up. She’s goofy and clever. She loves a good tickling and will play MarioCart for just about forever if allowed.
She’s into dancing one minute and painting the next. Its soccer she’s interested in today and karate tomorrow. She’s an author and illustrator. She’s a player of Calico Critters and Princesses and a mean scooter rider.
She has a soft heart and if she accidentally/on purpose-mostly accidentally hurts M and causes him to cry it’s usually her that ends up crying harder and longer that he does because she’s so devastated at the thought that she might have actually hurt him.
Aven, as always, is there as the rock solid foundation to our family. He’s steady and evens out my ups and downs – my “the world is about to end” moments and the “I can’t believe how amazing life is” times.
Still there in the top spot of being able to make me laugh so hard a little pee wants to leak out. He’s a problem solver extraordinaire and has the amazing ability to see a clear line from point A to B when all I see are curves, squiggles, and the occasional dead end.
All in all, it’s a good life, and I mean, someone has to live it, right? Might as well be me!
I hate it, though, that it takes such a tragedy to super appreciate the small things. Such is the balance of life – it takes a rainy day to appreciate the sun.
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