Who Made You?!?!

On Saturday Aven and I took the kids and one of Miss H’s friends to see the Muppets at the local little Cinema (which I might add, I love because it’s Cheap and you can bring your own containers for pop and popcorn and get them at the refill price – very awesome).

 Anyhoo, so we’re driving home – me with H and her friend because ¾ of the way through the Movie M had had enough so Aven took him home – luckily we had sort of expected this which is why we took two cars – and suddenly H says,

“you know, I was really surprised to see Selena Gomez on the Muppets show.  I would like to meet her because I have a question for her.  I heard she doesn’t believe in God so I’m gonna ask her – “Who made you??”  and she’ll say “Uhhh….I don’t know.”  And I’ll say “GOD made you!  So believe in God!” 

While I love her enthusiasm for God’s creation and her thinking that this simple statement might be enough to change Selena’s entire belief system, I thought maybe I should inject a little reality into the situation. 

So I say, “Well, honey, what if she says she was made in her Mom’s tummy?”   

Hope thought about that for all of two seconds and responds with “Still, what does she think – that there are little people in her Mom’s tummy putting her bones together and making her skin?!?!?”  (she’s all incredulous at Selena’s erroneous thinking)  “NO!  It’s God’s hand putting the baby together!  Duh.” 

I wasn’t really sure how to respond to that, so we just left the conversation there.    

But I love her absolute belief in God as the creator of us.  It’s Good. 

I love how she has absolute confidence talking about God with anyone – regardless if they also believe or not.  Whenever she has a sleepover with a friend, the night time prayer is still an absolute must.  As someone who is, well, really private about my inner thoughts and feelings with outsiders, this can be really stretching for me. 

No one can teach like a child. 

Into 2012

Another week is winding down…it’s been a good week – busy and a little stressful negotiating this crazy winter weather we’re experiencing!

It’s been a lot of fun, though, too!  There’s a little park just a block down from us and it has a perfect little hill that all the neighbourhood kids have been taking advantage of.  Even little M has been wrapping his little gloved hands around the handles of a sled and scooting down the hill.  He always remains frozen on the sled at the bottom of hill for about 30 seconds like he’s just thinking to himself “OK, still alive…”  and then he slowly climbs off and whoops with joy.  One time he pumped one list fist in the air and said “Awesome” and then “Pound, Mommy” holding his little fist out to me.   Hahaha – I live for those moments. 

Miss H, of course, headed straight for the jumps that a few of the dads had fashioned going down the hill.  So fun to watch her flying down the hill and getting some air as she goes over the ramps.  The odd wipeout makes it just that much more exciting! 

Aven has the day off today (the bum).  Apparently it doesn’t work well to back fill homes with frozen clumps of dirt.  So he gets to be home with the kids (the bum).  The only thing harder than getting out of bed in the morning at 4:00am is getting out of bed at 4:00am while your partner is still snoring and knowing that they get to sleep in.   I glance up at the bedroom window while I trudge out the backdoor into the freezing cold and say a small prayer that the kids will wake up extra early that day.  Love you, honey!

One thing that’s been occupying my mind lately is the challenge to lower our grocery bill this year.  I’m not a crazy couponer – never have been, never will be – this has to do mostly with the fact that I never remember to use them.  I have a hard time remembering to use the ones that are right there in the store next to the product.  No, this grocery expense tightening is going to happen just by not buying stuff we don’t need.  No junk food, no extras that we’re not going to eat.   We’ve set a preliminary budget that I’m trying to stick to.  I make up a menu for the week – mostly trying to use meat and other staples we already have in the house – take into account what I need for lunches that week and then try to get it for as cheap as possible.  And did I mention that I also try to buy organic everything?!  Not easy, let me tell you.  So this week, I had my list all ready to go – I get most of the staples, milk, eggs, etc delivered by SPUD every Friday and then pick the rest up at Extra Foods on the weekend.  I calculate the cost of everything and try to keep the cost as close to $200 per week as possible.  So I had my list all ready and then yesterday I noticed we were out of syrup.  Ack!  And brown sugar!  Crap – there goes my carefully planned out list – looks like we’re taking another look at the list . 

2012 for us will be the Year of Frugality.  Living with Less.  Paring down.  Buying only the essentials.   I’m looking forward to it, actually.  OK, well more like, it sucks when you want to buy something frivolous and then remember that you made a commitment to not.  But at the end of the year looking at your finances and seeing your hard work paying off is AMAZING!  And that’s what we’re working towards.  And on top of that, we’ve just been finding ourselves so surrounded with stuff (and I’m not cluttery – if that’s a word) I have no problem throwing stuff away.  But the accumulation of stuff seems never ending and it’s a cycle we want to get away from. 

So we’re saying NO! to extras this year and YES! to living a more simplified life.   It will be good.  It is already good.

Mind you, Miss H, is already convinced that she’s dying a slow death since she hasn’t had McDonalds for 3 whole weeks.  Even M has started randomly saying “McDonalds?  McDonalds?”  And it’s not like we’d go there very often before anyways.  Silly kids. 

I do want to note here too, that no one in our family has come down with any cold/flu/illness this whole winter (knock on wood). And I am going to totally attribute that to the healthy foods I’ve been feeding my family and ummm… really good luck.

And possibly the 10 vitamins (slight exaggeration) the kids munch down every day.  Mostly because the vitamins taste like candy and since they haven’t had any treats since Christmas, well anything that’s sweet is super yummy to them!

Hope your 2012 is off to an amazing start and if you made any commitments to yourself or family for this year I'd love to know them.  And also I'm super curious what other families in our area spend on groceries per week or month so if you don't mind sharing...that would be fab!

Somehow Life Goes On

Well, life has been moving on…we’ve carrying on – each of us in the community a little changed by the loss of one of the little one.  We’re adjusting to walking with a bit of loss in every step.  Making allowances for the terrible grief the mother and father are carrying.  Doing things a little different. 

For the first time I really understand that saying:

"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness....No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

It’s not a man but a child that has died, and I am diminished.  All who knew this sweet child is diminished. 

And yet out of this terrible, terrible event good has come.  A community has been brought closer together.  Friends have grown closer.  A true showing of a generous humanity has come through. 

In our own home, a new appreciation for each day with our children has grown.  When a little bum attached to a little set of legs hauls itself into my bed at 3:30am I snuggle his body in a little closer, breathe in the smell of his hair and neck and thank God he’s healthy and for one more day with him.

I don’t know what this year will look like now….a few weeks ago, I thought I knew exactly what would go down in 2012 but now I’m less certain.   Seems a lot can change over the course of a few days.

While I’m mulling over the sadness in my life, good things are also happening and I don’t want to neglect those good things or discount them because in a lot ways life for me is as it ever was. 

M is showing himself to be anything and everything I could have ever dreamed about in a son.  He is proud and independent yet cuddly and so loving.  He sees a freckle on my arm and gives me a number of loud smacking kisses and then asks concernedly “OK Mommy?  OK?”  I assure him, it is much better although maybe a few more kisses would be even better….

He loves my lullabies.  Every night I sing the same three songs – first I start with my own version of “Go to Sleep”…when that’s done he says “More song, Mommy, More Song.  Star, Star!”  and so I sing “Twinkle Twinkle”.  After that it’s “JesuslovesmethisIknow”, Mommy.  And I start singing and he sings along and my heart is full. 

My girl is growing up so fast, too.  I bought her some new shoes over the weekend – Cindy Lou Who Converse high tops.  (They were $15 marked down from $49 – how’s that for a good deal!?!) In a size 2.  They seem HUGE.  How is it possible that these shoes can fit her feet?

And she’s tying her shoes the ‘grown up way’ not with the two bunny ears now.  Just another step closer to being so grown up.  She’s goofy and clever.  She loves a good tickling and will play MarioCart for just about forever if allowed. 

She’s into dancing one minute and painting the next.  Its soccer she’s interested in today and karate tomorrow.  She’s an author and illustrator.  She’s a player of Calico Critters and Princesses and a mean scooter rider.

She has a soft heart and if she accidentally/on purpose-mostly accidentally hurts M and causes him to cry it’s usually her that ends up crying harder and longer that he does because she’s so devastated at the thought that she might have actually hurt him.

Aven, as always, is there as the rock solid foundation to our family.  He’s steady and evens out my ups and downs – my “the world is about to end” moments and the “I can’t believe how amazing life is” times. 

Still there in the top spot of being able to make me laugh so hard a little pee wants to leak out.   He’s a problem solver extraordinaire and has the amazing ability to see a clear line from point A to B when all I see are curves, squiggles, and the occasional dead end. 

All in all, it’s a good life, and I mean, someone has to live it, right?  Might as well be me! 

I hate it, though, that it takes such a tragedy to super appreciate the small things.  Such is the balance of life – it takes a rainy day to appreciate the sun. 

Heavy Heart

On Tuesday I received some devastating news: A family that is close to us lost their little boy between Christmas and New Years. 

On Christmas Day he was fine, on Boxing Day he started throwing up with a fever and by Thursday he was gone. 

Turns out his intestine was blocked by a flap of skin that 2% of the male population possesses on their intestine.

I had gotten to know the family because Miss H is good friends with their daughter.  Our boys are or were close in age.  She is the kind of mom that is constantly on the look out for possible harm that might come to her kids.  She is extremely protective and also generous and caring.  She, like most moms, would go to the ends of the earth to ensure their kids health and safety.  She would chop off her own limb if given the chance to help her kids. 

She is, as you might well imagine, devastated.  Shattered.  This little boy was her joy.  She loved her little girl like crazy, of course, but this was not only her little boy, he was her baby.  You could see the love and pride shining in her eyes whenever she looked at him, held him, talked about him.  She was rarely without him. 

Everyday you could see her pushing him in his stroller, walking her daughter to school and back.  Always, I will picture her with that stroller and her little boy bundled up in his cozy Winnie the Pooh blanket, often times sleeping, but sometimes wriggling around, trying to climb out to walk like the big kids. 

I am devastated and shattered for their family.  I am grieving for the loss of this little boy.  I am grieving for my friend and the hard road that she will never be able to get away from.  I am constantly blinking back tears when I think about her and her unimaginable pain and grief.  I am desperately sad for the dad and it breaks my heart as I watch him try to hold their family together in this time.  Watching him trying to bring some normality to their lives for the sake of their daughter.  Seeing him dropping off and picking her up from school – something her mom always did.  Sometimes checking in on her halfway through the day to make sure she’s alright.  He’s going to have to go back to work soon and I don’t know how my friend will get through the day without him.  The house will be too quiet.  Her son’s room too empty.

The moms in the community, especially the moms of her little girl’s friends have circled the wagons, wanting to help in any way possible.  Provide meals, setting up a fund to provide housecleaning services.  But at the end of the day, what can we do to ease her grief?  Nothing.  Not one thing.  This is a journey she has to go through on her own.  Selfishly I am sad for myself and the loss of my once-carefree friend.  She will never be the same and I’m worried that I will always feel “On-guard” around her, desperately trying not to make her grief worse by careless words. 

I miss her.  I miss her little boy.   I hate this whole situation and the finality of it.  It’s not fair.  Not fair at all. 

She has told me on several occasions that they are “not religious” so she doesn’t even have the small peace that comes with knowing that she will see her son again someday.   Please, if you have a prayer in your heart for this family, pray it.  We’re all going to need some healing around here.

The Mother's Prayer for It's Daughter

by Tina Fey

First, Lord: No tattoos.  May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie the Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for its the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach's eye, not beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered,

May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half

And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her.

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th street, stepping off boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris Wheels, roller coasters, log flumes, or anything called "Hell Drop", "Tower of Torture", or "The Death Spiral Rock 'N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith", and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance.

Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord?  Architecture?  Midwifery? Golf Course Design?  I'm asking You  because if I knew, I'd be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a rough patch from twelve to seventeen.

Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long,

For Childhood is short - a Tiger Flower blooming

Magenta for one day -

and Adulthood is long and Dry-Humping in Cars will wait.

O Lord, break the internet forever,

That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister,

Give me strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends,

For I will not have that Shit.  I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord,

That I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50am, all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

"My mother did this for me once," she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby's neck.  "My mother did this for me." And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me.  And she will forget.

But I'll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen